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My Sexual Autobiography

31 Min Read

My earliest sexual experiences (that I can remember) were with neighbor
girls. I will call them Pamela and Gina. Pamela had a pug nose and
freckles. She kept her sandy blond hair cut short, to the length of her
neck. Gina was taller and blonder, plumper, and cuter. Pamela was a tomboy
and the leader. Gina was more of a “girly” girl, preferring dolls and
dresses to climbing trees and blue jeans, but nonetheless joined Pamela
and I in our exploits. I was the oldest at about seven, and Pamela and
Gina were six. I have a hard time remembering who initiated the sexual
contact, but I’m pretty sure that it was Pamela. She liked telling nasty
stories, making bathroom jokes and giggling about body parts. Only a few
specific events come to mind, but I’ll try to encapsulate the sum of the
We enjoyed playing doctor and house like any other kids, and of course we
engaged in group masturbation and mutual masturbation. We tried to engage
in sex several times, but my penis was too small, and I suspect that their
vaginas were probably also too small. Mostly we played little dirty games
while partially or fully nude. I suppose that it would be viewed as
harmless experimentation and probably cute.
Our parents caught us a couple of times. Once my mother found me and
Pamela in the closet with our clothes unbuttoned, but we weren’t naked and
nothing had happened yet. Pamela’s older sister caught us once, too.
Pamela had moved further away from the city and of course Gina and I went
over to spend the night. One night Pamela and I were both naked under the
covers, kissing each other and tickling each other, when her sister (who
was about 16 or 17) came in to the room. I think she took one look at us
and realized what we were doing, then left the room. I don’t know if she
ever reported us to our parents or not, but I’m sure she knew what was
going on.
When Pamela moved away, Gina and I had more time to play with each other.
We urinated and defecated in front of each other, masturbated, kissed each
other’s bodies, and took turns inserting objects into Gina’s vagina
(pencils, fingers, a doll’s arm, other small, safe items). Gina was always
very shy about it, but never said no. She always blushed and looked away,
but for some reason agreed to the sexual games and came up with her own
ideas and suggestions. I played house with her a lot.
Looking back, I understand that it was just games and experimentation,
because I remember being more fascinated with looking at their bodies than
touching them. Sometimes we just sat across from each other naked, looking
at each other’s genitals. I thought their vaginas were weird, but
beautiful and nice to look at and touch. (Note: Right now I’m using
clinical terms like “urinate” and “vagina”, but when I get into the
experiences that are more sexual than experimental, I will be using
bedroom language such as “piss” and “cunt”. I apologize in advance.)
My family moved away from that city, but we visited the families of Pamela
and Gina several times. I remember one visit very clearly — I was thirteen
and the two girls were twelve. All the families had reunited on this big
farm owned by a mutual friend, and the three of us were fooling around in
a barn. The two girls took turns kissing me, and then I suggested that
they kiss each other. I think I wanted to see it because of an adult
magazine that Pamela and I had found at her dad’s house a long time ago.
The magazine showed two women naked, kissing and fondling each other. It
turned Pamela and me on immensely. So I asked them to kiss each other, and
they did. Then the three of us climbed up into the loft and
looked out the window at the cows and Rocky(H)s. Pamela pointed out the
enormous penises of the animals, and that got us all started up again, so
Pamela and Gina took turns licking my penis. Then Pamela and I took turns
licking Gina’s pussy, but Gina would not perform oral sex on Pamela. I
think Gina came. I didn’t. This was definitely a sexual experience… a
source of many fantasies for years to come.
After my family settled in the new city, I met a boy who lived down the
street. His name was Kyle, and he was my age — about eight. Our families
had known each other for years, and my mom insists that Kyle and I had
played together as infants and toddlers, but I do not remember anything of
the sort. Kyle and I entered into a sexual relationship soon after we
reacquainted ourselves. I believe that he made the first overture.
One day after school we were quite bored. He had the soundtrack to
“Grease” and said we could play a good game with it. He put the record on
the song “Blue Moon” and began to strip to the music. It was probably very
amateur and stupid, but I remember being very excited by seeing Kyle’s
buttocks and penis. When he was completely naked, it was my turn, but I
was very embarrassed. He sat on the bed and played with himself, which
really aroused me. I opened my pants and showed him my erect cock as well.
He put the record on and I took off the rest of my clothes, then laid down
on the bed with him. He immediately leaned over and took my little cock
into his mouth. He sucked on it like you’d suck a lollipop or a popsicle
— there was no up and down motion, just a gentle, wet suction. It felt
very good and I did not think that it was abnormal, or queer, or sick.
After a few minutes he asked me to do it to him and I obliged. I really
enjoyed the taste of his penis in my mouth — it was very warm and
slightly salty. I liked the feel of his scrotum pressing against my chin,
and I tried to put his cock and balls in my mouth all at once, but I
Every time we spent the night together we would suck each other’s cocks
like this. We were pretty selfish — I wanted him to suck me for a long
time, but I didn’t want to suck him that much, and he felt the same way.
Neither one of us thought about a 69 position to maximize our pleasure.
This went on for a very long time — about a year. For some reason I
always spent the night at his house; he never spent the night at mine.
About the time we turned ten we both became concerned with girls, and he
declined to participate in cock-sucking as often as we used to until
finally we weren’t doing it anymore. We were no longer lovers, but we were
very good friends until my family moved again.
A few other things happened when I was this age. I had started playing
soccer and one day during practice I convinced a female teammate to show
me her pussy. We were standing at the far end of the field, but we were
both visible and it was a miracle that we weren’t caught. She pulled her
shorts aside and I got a very nice, long look at her little hairless slit.
I pulled my shorts aside and showed her my little hairless dick, which she
giggled at. Then we readjusted our shorts and nothing else happened.
My family moved to another city when I was eleven. Our new house was even
nicer than our others, and farther out in the suburbs. My younger brother
John and I even got separate rooms. There were a lot of kids in this
neighborhood who were my age or close, and that was a factor for my
parents’ decision.
At this point I thought a lot about sucking Kyle, and masturbated to the
image frequently. I met a boy in fifth grade named Bryan who invited me
over to spend the night at his house. Somehow, we exposed ourselves to
each other, and began a
series of oral and anal sex sessions. Bryan was very passive — he always
wanted to take my cock into his mouth and ass. He always invented little
games to play that would end up with us disrobing and having sex. I never
refused him because I enjoyed it so much. Neither one of us had orgasms,
but the feelings were great. After fifth grade, I never saw Bryan again.
Also in fifth grade I met a West Indian boy named Kia, who I also spent
the night with a couple of times. He had a computer, which I thought was
great, so I spent most of the time writing BASIC programs with him. When
it came time to go to sleep, he always took off all his clothes and slept
naked. I slept in my underwear. The first night, he asked me a series of
questions: “Do you ever fart?” “Does your thing get hard?” “Do you spend
the night with boys a lot?” “Do you hold your thing when you pee?” For
some reason, I never responded to his overtures, but I listened to him
masturbate a couple of times. I guess he thought I was asleep. I don’t
know why I didn’t offer to join in. Maybe it was some kind of subtle
racism — not wanting to touch a boy with darker skin color. I had spent
the night with a black boy before in third grade, but nothing had happened
between us.
When I was in middle school, I was a misfit and the kids there were
entering into that junior macho phase, where every other joke is either
about some girl’s breasts or how some boy is a “faggot”. Of course I
joined in with the insults because I didn’t consider myself gay.
Nonetheless, I tried several times to seduce neighborhood boys, and
succeeded. But I seduced somebody else first — my younger brother.
Sometimes I feel very guilty about it. A court of law might convict me of
abuse, and at times I worry that I coerced my brother into doing things he
didn’t want to. Most of the time, however, he was amenable, and every now
and then, but not often, he would initiate the sex when I wasn’t even
thinking about it. This is very difficult for me to write about because I
feel so ambiguously about it -on the one hand, incestuous abuse is wrong,
but was it really abuse? On the other hand, I honestly think that it was
mutual, and that my brother didn’t suffer from it. I do think that in
later years, the buried memory intensified our sibling rivalry, but other
than that I really don’t think there were any ill effects. (But I
invariably ask myself this question: What pervert or sexual abuser DOESN’T
think that any harm is done?) Trust me, I am still wrestling with this
memory. I include it in this story for two reasons: to finally get a
chance to write about it and all its consequences, and to let other people
learn from it. I know that some people find the idea of two brothers
having sex very arousing, and that’s OK, I suppose, as long as they don’t
try it themselves. I no longer think of my brother in a sexual way, and I
don’t want to resume our sexual relationship. I know that a lot of
siblings “play around” and “experiment”, so I know that my brother and I
aren’t totally abnormal, but I still feel weird about the whole thing.
I do not remember how it started. Brothers take baths and showers
together, so it probably started there — one of us suddenly got an
erection and the other touched it, and so on. At any rate, at first we
were both too embarrassed and ashamed to directly initiate sex, so we
would get to it indirectly. We’d play strip poker, “accidentally” walk in
on each other in the bathroom, or sleep in the same bed and allow our
hands to wander. We sucked each other’s cocks, 69’d, and tried to have
anal sex, but never succeeded. This went on from when I was twelve and he
was eight to when I was about fifteen and he was eleven. After that it
ceased completely, probably because he was entering into the same middle
school environment I was at that age, where everybody hated “fags”.
Soon after we got used to our little games, we began actually suggesting
that we engage in sex play. We’d be horsing around or something, and one
of us would get hard and want to fool around. Then we’d engage in
something we called “sex-wrestle,” which was basically doing whatever we
had been doing except with no clothes on. If we were playing at being
ninjas, we’d take our pants and shirts off, then continue playing. If we
were playing soldiers, wrestling, boxing, hide and seek, or anything, we’d
just keeping playing with no clothes on. Of course, the game ended up in
sex once we got naked, it was just a matter of time. Asking to play
“sex-wrestle” was a little less direct than actually
asking for oral sex, but still it was an acknowledgement of our secret
sexual encounters.
I only remember two times when I actually ejaculated. Once was when he was
masturbating me, once was when he was sucking me. I remember very clearly
the time that I came in his mouth. He swallowed the first spurt, then
allowed the rest to spray into his hands, which he then licked up.
Afterwards we washed up separately and didn’t mention the incident. I
don’t think he ever ejaculated during the three years we had this off and
on weirdness.
When I was about thirteen, my brother actually helped me seduce another
boy my age. We were at the boy’s house and we were all listening to music.
In one song, there were percussion downbeats that sounded exactly like
farts, and we all thought that was hilarious. We must have rewound that
song a dozen times or more and giggled at the “pfffft, pfffft” sounds.
About the fourth time we were listening to it I got up and locked the
door. I played the song and every time the fartlike noise happened, I
pulled my pants down and exposed my ass, thrusting it out as if I was
farting. Both the boy, Mark, and my brother thought that was very funny.
My brother joined me and we were both dancing along to the song with our
pants around our knees, making ridiculous faces and laughing. We had
erections, but nobody said anything about them. We knew that if we got
caught we’d get in trouble, but we also thought it was a lot of fun. Mark
joined in soon and pulled his pants all the way off, dancing with us. All
three of us started doing a three-person “bump”, knocking our hips
together to the beat of the song. This led to us actually rubbing our
asses together. Mark had a hard-on too. Then we were standing in a small
circle, all three of us touching each other’s cocks. My brother and I took
off our pants all the way and told Mark to sit on the bed. He did,
stroking his penis. My brother and I knelt and took turns licking and
sucking Mark’s cock. This went on for about fifteen minutes and then we
stopped, afraid of getting caught. Besides, Mark had refused to suck or
touch my penis or my brother’s.
Within a month, Mark spent the night at our house. The three of us played
strip poker and were soon naked. Then we decided to play for sexual
favors. We had had hot erections, but hid them under blankets. I won the
first favor and told Mark he had to let me touch his penis. I jerked him
off for a few minutes and then we played another hand. My brother won and
asked me to suck him. I knelt between his spread legs and sucked his small
cock for a while. We all abandoned the pretense of playing cards and got
on the couch together. I sucked Mark’s cock, Mark sucked my brother’s cock
(he didn’t want to put it in his mouth), and
my brother sucked my cock. Then we decided to do it all at once: I laid
down on the couch and Mark got between my legs to suck my cock. My brother
sat on my chest and stuck his little boy cock in my face so I could suck
it. We did this and variations on this until we were exhausted and
blue-balled, since none of us had an orgasm. After this incident,
nothing happened between Mark and me.
There was one neighborhood boy who I seduced. His name was Simon. Again, I was
about twelve or thirteen. We had constructed an elaborate obstacle course
late one afternoon. The final goal was to jump in a small wading pool.
Simon was much more athletic than me so I usually lost. As it got darker,
I had an idea — I would cut through the course halfway and wait in the
pool to make it seem like I had already gone through. It was more of a
humorous distraction, since I knew he wouldn’t fall for it. I was just
tired of losing. So halfway through the course I abruptly turned and
jumped into the pool. He stopped, puzzled, and asked me what I was doing.
I splashed water at him and said, “I won!” We started over on the course,
and I did the same thing, except this time I pulled my pants down to my
knees and exposed my ass to him. He laughed. I did that two or three more
times, and then he beat me to it. He jumped in the pool and took his
shorts all the way off. I jumped in after him and took my shorts off. We
began to fondle each other’s asses and then our erect cocks. I realized
that we couldn’t do anything more in public, so I told him to meet me at
my house in ten minutes. We put our shorts on and he went home. I went to
my house and undressed, then put on a bathrobe. He was at the door in
minutes in dry clothes. I let him in and took him to my bedroom. My mother
and brother were watching TV down the hall, and my father was downstairs
watching another TV. Nobody had a clue. We went into the bedroom and I
told him to take his clothes off. Then I gave him a bathrobe to wear, too.
At the time, I had some kind of fantasy about two boys
dressed in bathrobes having sex, so I really wanted us both to be dressed
in bathrobes. I don’t know why.
He laid down on the bed and I immediately began to suck his small cock. It
was very small for someone of his age and size, I remember that
distinctly. I showed him my cock and we began to 69. He had never done
this before — he was scraping with his teeth, and it hurt. So I just
sucked him, and I licked his ass. He loved it but soon got uncomfortable
and wanted to go home. I let him go. I tried for about a month after that
to get him to do it again, but he never would. He was Catholic — maybe he
confessed the act and felt really guilty about it.
I think this was the most sexually active time of my life, as far as
boy-boy sex goes. There was one incident with a female, however — my
aunt. I don’t feel any guilt over this potentially incestuous situation,
though, because the circumstances were different. It only happened once,
and it was very ambiguous.
My aunt had come from out of town to spend a weekend with us. She was my
father’s sister, but you never would have known it to look at or listen to
them — he was tall and fat, she was short and skinny; he was a Republican
asshole, she was a Democrat bleeding-heart. One of my father’s favorite
pastimes was to rent X-rated movies and get drunk as he watched them, then
fall asleep in his La-Z-Boy, sometimes while the movies were still running
on the VCR. I watched these movies many times, which was probably not very
good for me, but more on that later.
On Sunday night, my father conked out in front of the VCR again. By now I
had gotten into a routine — I would wait until he was no longer conscious
(about eleven p.m. or midnight) and then I would sneak down and watch the
movies. Sometimes I would masturbate as I was watching them with my
sleeping father right next to me. I was ready to go downstairs this Sunday
night, but waited until about twelve-thirty a.m. to actually head for the
stairs. When I got there, my aunt was already standing halfway down the
steps, leaning over the banister, watching the X-rated movie. I could hear
my father snoring loudly. My guess is that she heard him snoring and went
to awaken him and send him to bed, but got distracted by the sex on the
The most significant detail of this scene is that my aunt is wearing
nothing but a t-shirt. Because she is bent over the banister watching the
movie, I can see the small of her back, her ass, her inner thighs and even
a bit of pubic hair. Instantly, my cock was erect. I must have watched her
watching the movie for about five minutes, then I hurried off to bed to
masturbate. Soon after I began jacking off, I heard my aunt walk down the
hall and go into the guest bedroom. A plan formed in my mind. I waited for
about forty-five minutes, then crept into her bedroom. My thoughts alone
had kept my penis rock-hard. I was naked, crawling across the guest
bedroom so the floorboards wouldn’t creak. Finally I reached her bed and
listened. She was also asleep, curled up under the covers. I slipped my
hand into the bedsheets and explored a little until I touched her ass. I
rubbed my hand over her ass and stroked her pubic hair and pussy with my
right hand while I was furiously masturbating with my left. Every time she
moaned, twitched or moved I would pull my hand out from under the covers
and duck under the bed, only to slowly come out a few seconds later and
reach under the sheets again to fondle her ass. After about thirty minutes
of this, I ejaculated all over my chest and stomach, then retreated very
quietly to my bedroom. I wiped up my semen with my hand and then licked it
off my hand, fantasizing about what might have happened if my aunt had
awakened and enjoyed the feelings I was giving her. Maybe she would have
invited me into her bed? More likely, she would have told me softly but
firmly to go to my own bedroom. I guess I’ll never know.
From thirteen to fifteen, I rarely had sex with any boys or girls. I was
continuing to experiment with my brother, but it was so sporadic and rare
that I was still quite lustful. Two things happened when I entered high
school that figured significantly in my sexual life: I met Jerry and my
family got a big Rocky(D).

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